The only thing I can imagine more harrowing than the job application process – and being eaten alive by zombies of course, and, well, maybe getting crushed to death by an elephant’s ass – is the interviewing process.

Normally by the time I’ve heard back from a place, I don’t even remember applying there. I’ll then have to spend the remaining waking hours preceding the interview re-learning what the office specializes in, researching all the shit I know nothing about (which is usually everything), practicing my talking points,  worrying about the current state of my bowels, and trying to get some blood flow to my cold and damp hands (in this I feel a strange kinship with zombies).

I don’t enjoy these activities. Does anyone?

There is no linear relationship between my level of preparation and my performance at the interview. I’d draw you a graph, but my palms are too sweaty to draw anything, luckily the letters on my keyboard haven’t rubbed off yet or this would be entirely too frustrating.

I can’t stand coming off as such a nervous wreck the intervew process. This makes me very uneasy, but this is what I normally do. Why, because I haven’t come up with any better ideas. I have better luck with girls at the bar – but that’s usually after I put back a few and I’m on my B-game (I have no A-game). I’ve seriously considered drinking before I interview. Seriously.

But I don’t. I just go through my normal routine of Q&A. I say “normal” because normally I haven’t spent every waking hour since I sent in my application obsessing over the subject matter of the prospective employment, in this case, the undead (except that one time that I applied to be an intern at the Playboy mansion, but that was a little different). I wonder if zombies spend this much time thinking about me…

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Perceived obsession of zombies about me ≥ My current obsession with zombies.

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But this is not a normal situation. You don’t stock canned goods in preparation for most law firm jobs. I’m worried about this. I don’t want to come off too crazy, or too eager. Yeah, yeah, I know, “good luck with that Jeff.” But I need this job. I need to know what is going on here. I need to pay my cable bill.

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