H1N1 was supposed to be badass. Remember that? It was supposed to change the world. (But not like Obama was supposed to change things; H1N1 is to Obama as 10 percent of the world’s populations is to__________. Answer? Whatever, not an SAT worthy analogy anyway…). Hell, if 10 percent of the world’s population had kicked it, I probably wouldn’t have been having such a hard time finding a job. Maybe I wouldn’t have gotten let go to begin with.

But it wasn’t that bad after all. It was just the flu, in case you weren’t paying attention. I wasn’t paying attention. We don’t pay attention to most things that are barely even mentioned in the news. Like the genocide in Nigeria, which is ongoing, for example. Or the fact that almost 7 MILLION PEOPLE have been killed in war torn Congo since 1998. But what is the most important thing that we get from the Congo? If you answered diamonds you are wrong. It’s coltan. It’s why we don’t do anything about all those humans being murdered every day. What’s coltan, you ask? It’s the rare metal that we need to make our cell phones, computers, dvd players and video game systems work. We are carrying around the 21st century equivalent of blood diamonds in our pockets and purses right now. Coltan is forever.

But I digress. The point is, what if H1N1 was actually killing all these people, but the news stopped covering it? Sooner or later, any death toll ceases being news. Wars, the flu, typhoons, floods and earthquakes. We only have so much capacity for pain and sorrow. It is easier to forget about the event than to have to quantify the toll that death has taken. Eventually, everyone stops crying and starts watching Dancing with the Stars again. But zombies? Would people really stop listening to news about zombies?

They are pretty terrifying, and they’re undead, you know.

On to Google, still hoping that I’ll uncover some legit news about zombies that has actually been reported. Maybe some clips about an “outbreak” or “flesh-eating” in D.C. that somehow slipped thought the cracks because it was in the Express on a Thursday opposite yet another article about Lindsey Lohan. Pretty much everything was about DC Comics. Not very useful. I did find this, though I’m not convinced of its authenticity. Why weren’t they trying to bite anyone? The kids seemed a little scared, but no one else really paid much attention.

And after a few unstructured surfing trips, I uncovered this nugget: “D.C. Council set to approve provisional panel to explore creation of executive agency to address the rising nuisance of the recently unearthed.” The link didn’t work. There was nothing else on the entire Internet. Seriously, I read the whole thing. Another dead end. FML.